Posted by Margo Dye, co-owner of LIFE Marriage Retreats

We all know that Humility is one of the indispensable principles of happy relationships, and I think I am beginning to finally learn it, but not without a price. I am discovering that true humility goes far beyond simple tolerance and has nothing to do with self-righteousness.

My dear daughter-in-law is so much like me in many ways, but with many improvements that I admire and am still striving for. Recently we had an unspoken struggle of a direction we were both going, but wanting it to be on our own terms.

I love her and wanted things to be right and OK between us again, but found that pride and issues that I was slow to admit were getting in the way. The selfishness and immaturity I chose into made the decision of going to her to talk about things a slow and arduous process.

This time of pride and its accompanying misery was grueling; I wanted the pain to end but was unwilling to let it go and admit I was wrong in wanting things my way.

At a recent Marriage Retreat we worked with a couple that had been separated by war. In those difficult circumstances they became distracted from what is really important in a relationship and each pursued some selfish interests, trying to fill their emptiness. As the husband awoke to the awareness of how far apart they had drifted, not only in real distance, but emotionally as well, he realized what he was losing and desperately sought to repair the breaches in their relationship. He was frightened and hurt and wanted the damage he had helped bring into the relationship fixed immediately.

Watching him striving to align his actions with his desires was, for a time, like watching someone trying to get two powerful magnets with the same polarity together, and failing in the attempt. In this quick-fix-I-want-it-now world we want to go to the store, pick it out, bag it, and use it immediately. In our search for the quick fix in our relationships we especially do not want to admit that we are a very real part of the problem. This man at first felt his resentment was justified and he wanted to make it all about his wife and her need to change and recommit to the relationship. But it was not until he found his own space of humility and took accountability for his part in damaging the relationship, that they were able to move forward and connect once again.

The time I spent in my selfish frame of mind was so draining. I was finally able to take my accountability in the misunderstanding with my daughter-in-law and am grateful that she was willing to accept my apology.

I’ve heard that resentment and carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I can verify from experience that it is true.

A few words from a popular song by John Mayer stand out to me: “Waiting on the World to Change.”

I feel I could wait forever, and maybe I would die waiting for others to change to suit me. I am finding that it’s me that continues to need the changing and refining.

And that is a liberating discovery!

At a recent Marriage Retreat in San Diego we worked with a couple which had allowed competition in the relationship to tear at the foundation of the peace and well-being of the marriage. This was not simply a case of getting mad at one another over a game of Scrabble, but something that had infected all areas of their relationship as they compared who was contributing the most money to the marriage, who did the most around the house, who got the most laughs at the dinner party, or which one of them their kids liked the most. There is nothing healthy about this sort of competition in a marriage because it rarely leads to better performance in the relationship, instead driving wedges between the most important members of the family team.Once on a dock in Mexico we watched the crab fisherman unload their morning catch. Soon the dock was covered with large wooden crates, each filled with dozens of live crabs. I noticed that the crates had no lids and the fishermen were not paying much attention to the crabs, instead busying themselves with cleaning and securing their boats. As I watched some crabs climbing over their brother crabs towards the top of the crate I expected to soon see escaped crabs all over the dock.But the fishermen knew they had little to worry about. Each time a crab made it nearly to the top of the prison, another crab would reach out a claw, grab the escapee and pull it back into the writhing mass of creatures. It was as if the crabs stuck in the crate were saying to those making a bid for freedom, “No way, Buster! If I’m stuck in here, you’re staying in here with me!” I felt like saying to them, “Silly animals, why don’t you help one another? If you would only work together you could all make it back into the sea.”But instead they continued to climb over one another, knocking each other from their lofty perches back into the morass.Such is the case with many relationships as partners jockey for position, competing with one another, often taking some perverse pleasure in seeing the other stumble, because it somehow puts them “ahead in the game.” Sometimes the spouses will chip away at one another with comparisons, pointing out how far short the other falls when compared to some other person. And so they remain, trapped in their cage, unaware that a short climb above them lies beautiful sunlight and freedom if they would only give one another a loving boost and encouragement.In our next posting we will look at the opposite of this unhealthy competition and comparing and see how a marriage evolving into a mature and sharing relationship grows in peace and a sense of mutual well-being. To see this shift in couples is one of our greatest rewards as we work with them at our Marriage Retreats and Trainings.

At one of our recent LIFE Marriage Retreats we had the privilege of working with a great couple from a southern state. She is a beautiful woman, poised and charismatic, and owns a successful business. She and her husband had returned to the house from a walk on the beach and in sharing some of their experiences from the walk she mentioned that they had passed a man walking a gentle looking dog. It turned out she had switched to walking on the other side of her husband, well away from the dog because, she said, “All dogs bite.”That really caught my attention and we had fun the remainder of the Retreat applying the belief that ‘all dogs bite’ to various matters of trust in relationships. Her premise was that under the right (or wrong) conditions any dog, no matter the size or breed, can “snap” and bite even a friendly hand, so one must always be careful around them. She admitted that this type of fear and mistrust sometimes spilled over into her human relationships.So do all dogs bite? And are we doomed to be disappointed, at one time or another, by all of our relationships? Well, yes, probably so. After all, we are human and all of us make mistakes. We do or say things that we later regret. Most of us have moments of thoughtlessness or selfishness.But if this potentially painful reality keeps us tied to the trunk of our relationship tree, afraid to risk and climb out, we will never know just how sweet the fruit is that grows at the end of the branch. While trust must, indeed, be earned, never let the fear that “all dogs bite” close us off from the warmth and fulfillment that we deserve in our relationships.If we are occasionally bitten, if our limb is shaken by our partner, remember that we are all human and have probably been the biter and shaker sometimes as well. Some people simply aren’t ready to be trustworthy, but in almost all of our relationships we will, with some patience, kindness, and forgiveness, be able to help one another inch out on that branch a bit at a time where the fruit is sweet and the air is pure. And where not all dogs bite!I am pleased to say that by the end of the Marriage Retreat this woman was well on her way to petting dogs and tasting the goodness of her relationship with her husband.

In a previous posting we discussed how many couples seem unable to make the necessary breakthroughs in their marriage through traditional marriage counseling. We also mentioned that for many of those couples a well managed marriage retreat, particularly a LIFE Marriage Retreat and Training, leads to the renewal of the relationship. So what is the difference?There are many facets to this particular diamond, but we will focus briefly on just a few of the differences offered in a retreat format (please note that every marriage retreat program is different and I am speaking here from my own experience):1. Time, Location and Focus- There is something extraordinary about being in a place of peace and beauty, focusing on one another and your relationship for an extended period of time, especially when that time is backed up by the couple’s commitment to move to higher ground.2. Rebuilding Trust- Perhaps the greatest gift of this time and focus is the Retreat’s ability to help the couple to rebuild the trust that in virtually every case has been eroded in their relationship. The couple not only learns about trust on an intellectual level but does the things that help to reestablish it in the relationship.3. Training and Coaching- Departing from the general Retreat format to get more specific for a moment, there is great power and effectiveness in the curriculum and processes of a LIFE Training Retreat. A variety of teaching and training methods are used, including innovative experiential training, and great activities that map back to the principles and skills being taught. Combined with the one-on-one coaching each couple receives, the relationship objectives of the couple can consistently be met.One thing to remember is that in many cases a couple can achieve brief moments of peace and euphoria by just spending a get-away weekend together. The key to the effectiveness of the best marriage retreats is their ability to not only provide the atmosphere, but to then deliver the training and coaching that leads to long-term results rather than simply short-term euphoria.