Most couples who come to our LIFE Marriage Retreats have something in common: They have unsuccessfully tried traditional marriage counseling as a means of taking their marriage to higher and happier ground.

While certainly not all marriage counselors are created equal, this is not meant as an indictment of traditional marriage counseling. Instead, the observation points to a fact that holds true for any marriage enhancement program; no matter how brilliant the teacher, trainer, or therapist; no matter how true their teachings, observations, and assignments to the couple in marital distress, it will always come down to the couple’s willingness and ability to understand what is being offered to them, and to LIVE IT over a long enough period of time that it leads to a new way of being for both partners in the relationship.

We own a cabin where we do some of our Marriage Trainings. This cabin is in a desert region but sits on a pretty little lake in the midst of a lovely oasis. The cabin has been in our family for years so we have some understanding of what it took to change the desert into an oasis. We realize that the beautiful green grass did not magically appear; the cool of the shade from tall leafy trees has not always been there; the bright and plentiful flowers have not always bloomed in that region. All of these and more were bought by precious water from deep underground and consistent and dedicated work.  

Even with the initial battle won every year brings a new challenge to maintain that oasis in the middle of the desert, because the desert fights hard to take it back. There is no such thing as cruise control, coasting, or resting on your laurels in such an environment. Miss any needed upkeep or maintenance and grass quickly browns, flowers wither, trees become infested, and desert weeds proliferate before your eyes. The desert demands commitment and consistency from those who choose to live there. So does marriage!

Like that desert oasis, marriage first must be built by those with the vision and commitment necessary to any great task, then be consistently nurtured and maintained.

It takes effort and desire to learn the principles and skills that define every successful relationship, then a deep commitment and ongoing work to build trust and stay true to those principles and skills. Every time we think we have arrived and think that we can coast in our marriage, the ‘desert’ will try to take it back and we will see the trust wither and joy turn dry and brittle.

Many couples find a Marriage Retreat and its traction building concentrated time and energy to be the perfect way to build or rebuild the oasis of their marriage, and to deeply internalize the principles and skills needed for the long haul. But whether a couple chooses a Marriage Retreat or Traditional Counseling, the bottom line will be their commitment to live the principles and practice the skills for the rest of their lives.

In our LIFE Couples Retreats we often use the phrase, “True North,” referring to the direction that leads to ultimate life and relationship joy and fulfillment. In our trainings we teach the principles and skills that become the compass or GPS that keep us consistently on track, heading true north, toward our desired destination.

Many in our world fool themselves into believing that there are any number of directions that can be defined as an individual’s true north, that there are no rules or maps that govern the journey. It is certainly true that our individual journeys are unique, and that we each will move at our own pace and experience unique side trips and detours. We will always possess our own unique characteristics and personalities. But ultimately  south, east, or west are not North, and as long as we insist on other directions we are doomed to wander lost in the desert, never finding the higher and happier ground we all crave in our relationships.

Over the years we have worked with couple after couple who, before coming to us, had tried to find their way to happiness and peace through back doors and short-cuts. For years they  butted their heads against walls and obstacles, convinced that if they tried it their way just one more time, it would work and they could finally discover the life and relationship of their dreams.

As all of us sometimes do, they had been living in insanity. You remember the definition of insanity, don’t you?Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

What these couples have previously failed to understand is that relationships are governed by principles that are as powerful, pervasive, and even predictable as physical laws such as the law of gravity. While I am all for science being taught in school, sometimes I wish the schools would teach a little less of the Laws of Motion and at least something about The Laws of Successful Relationships; the world would be a happier place.

Left without a map or compass many people stumble frustratingly in the darkness, relationship happiness and fulfillment always out of reach. The principles of successful relationships are always there, unchanging and ready to be put to miraculous use, but instead of allowing those principles to lead them true north to happiness they more often break themselves against them. They don’t figure out that as hard as anyone tries to make it otherwise, dishonesty will always damage us and our relationships. Impatience and anger with others will never bring us the sweet results we ultimately seek. On the other hand, they also find it hard to comprehend that principles of kindness and honest attempts to understand the perspective of another will always bring  warm rewards.

In our human pride we so want to do things our way and will fight to defend our turf and prove ourselves right. By the time most of our couples come to us they have wearied of the fight and have come to the conclusion that they would rather be happy than “right.” They have decided that humility is not weakness but perhaps the greatest strength that they will ever know. They are open to learning a better way and a new direction.

These couples soak up the principles and skills, thrilled as they almost immediately see the positive results of their first hesitant attempts to bring new skills and true principles into their lives and relationships.

It’s not always easy. Old beliefs die hard; former habits don’t always leave quietly. Most of us have spent decades  developing our current ways of being so we won’t be able to make a complete shift overnight.

But if you are like other people we have worked with, you are ready for new light, greater happiness, and are prepared to commit to an exciting and joyful journey. That is all that is necessary.

We hope you will join us sometime soon.

Report from San Diego Couples Retreat: 2/10-13/2010

One thing I have learned about our Couples Retreats is that I can expect to be both a teacher and learner in every situation. As Margo and I work with the couples I can anticipate learning one of the principles or skills of successful relationships a little better. I can look forward to being inspired by a couple or individual powerfully taking on a new way of being in their relationship. I can always find a deeper desire to commit to being a better man and husband as I feel the energy of other committed people doing the same thing.

We hosted three couples in Oceanside this past week, and as always, I am indeed a better man for it.

In our final private sessions with each couple we asked them to describe their most important or exciting discovery during our time together; a principle or skill they felt would have lasting impact on their lives and relationships. I will share a few of their responses (names have been changed):

Martin- “Perspective. It really opened my eyes that it was OK for my partner to have a different perspective or opinion from mine. It was exciting to understand that such a different viewpoint did not have to be a point of contention or a battle to prove myself right, but could be the starting point in finding a better solution than I could find on my own. Even when my partner and I don’t agree on something, as we acknowledge one another we show respect for each other and grow stronger.”

Brenda- “It was such a relief to see that I did not have to use anger and yelling in some aggressive attack to get results. I had become so exhausted in trying to control other people and damaging everyone’s trust in the process; it was a relief to lay that down and learn of positive and loving ways to influence others.”

John- “I felt so lost before the Retreat. I had forgotten what really mattered in my life and relationships, and it seemed like I could only be happy if others were making me happy. I had no internal compass that could consistently lead me to peace and happiness. Now I see that happiness is my choice. While that accountability can seem a bit daunting, it is also liberating.”

Dianne- “I realize now that I had become a bundle of resentments. I could not let go of the past and found that it colored everything about the present and made me feel there was no hope for the future. Even when my husband really seemed to be doing his best to change or showed me special kindness I could not get past the old pain to trust him again. That in turn made it hard for him to trust me. It was such a vicious cycle and I could not figure out how to get off the painful merry-go-round! It has been such a relief to break that destructive cycle and open myself to love and to feel trust growing for one another again.”

As these couples shared their experience of the Retreat I found myself internally nodding my head and remembering anew what it had felt like as I truly learned and internalized these principles years ago. I am grateful for the regular opportunity I have to renew my commitment to the principles and skills that define all successful relationships.

When the time is right for you and your relationship, when you are ready, the right teachers and opportunities will appear. We at LIFE Marriage Retreats hope we can be part of that for you and your relationship.

At a recent Marriage Retreat in San Diego we worked with a couple which had allowed competition in the relationship to tear at the foundation of the peace and well-being of the marriage. This was not simply a case of getting mad at one another over a game of Scrabble, but something that had infected all areas of their relationship as they compared who was contributing the most money to the marriage, who did the most around the house, who got the most laughs at the dinner party, or which one of them their kids liked the most. There is nothing healthy about this sort of competition in a marriage because it rarely leads to better performance in the relationship, instead driving wedges between the most important members of the family team.Once on a dock in Mexico we watched the crab fisherman unload their morning catch. Soon the dock was covered with large wooden crates, each filled with dozens of live crabs. I noticed that the crates had no lids and the fishermen were not paying much attention to the crabs, instead busying themselves with cleaning and securing their boats. As I watched some crabs climbing over their brother crabs towards the top of the crate I expected to soon see escaped crabs all over the dock.But the fishermen knew they had little to worry about. Each time a crab made it nearly to the top of the prison, another crab would reach out a claw, grab the escapee and pull it back into the writhing mass of creatures. It was as if the crabs stuck in the crate were saying to those making a bid for freedom, “No way, Buster! If I’m stuck in here, you’re staying in here with me!” I felt like saying to them, “Silly animals, why don’t you help one another? If you would only work together you could all make it back into the sea.”But instead they continued to climb over one another, knocking each other from their lofty perches back into the morass.Such is the case with many relationships as partners jockey for position, competing with one another, often taking some perverse pleasure in seeing the other stumble, because it somehow puts them “ahead in the game.” Sometimes the spouses will chip away at one another with comparisons, pointing out how far short the other falls when compared to some other person. And so they remain, trapped in their cage, unaware that a short climb above them lies beautiful sunlight and freedom if they would only give one another a loving boost and encouragement.In our next posting we will look at the opposite of this unhealthy competition and comparing and see how a marriage evolving into a mature and sharing relationship grows in peace and a sense of mutual well-being. To see this shift in couples is one of our greatest rewards as we work with them at our Marriage Retreats and Trainings.

At one of our recent LIFE Marriage Retreats we had the privilege of working with a great couple from a southern state. She is a beautiful woman, poised and charismatic, and owns a successful business. She and her husband had returned to the house from a walk on the beach and in sharing some of their experiences from the walk she mentioned that they had passed a man walking a gentle looking dog. It turned out she had switched to walking on the other side of her husband, well away from the dog because, she said, “All dogs bite.”That really caught my attention and we had fun the remainder of the Retreat applying the belief that ‘all dogs bite’ to various matters of trust in relationships. Her premise was that under the right (or wrong) conditions any dog, no matter the size or breed, can “snap” and bite even a friendly hand, so one must always be careful around them. She admitted that this type of fear and mistrust sometimes spilled over into her human relationships.So do all dogs bite? And are we doomed to be disappointed, at one time or another, by all of our relationships? Well, yes, probably so. After all, we are human and all of us make mistakes. We do or say things that we later regret. Most of us have moments of thoughtlessness or selfishness.But if this potentially painful reality keeps us tied to the trunk of our relationship tree, afraid to risk and climb out, we will never know just how sweet the fruit is that grows at the end of the branch. While trust must, indeed, be earned, never let the fear that “all dogs bite” close us off from the warmth and fulfillment that we deserve in our relationships.If we are occasionally bitten, if our limb is shaken by our partner, remember that we are all human and have probably been the biter and shaker sometimes as well. Some people simply aren’t ready to be trustworthy, but in almost all of our relationships we will, with some patience, kindness, and forgiveness, be able to help one another inch out on that branch a bit at a time where the fruit is sweet and the air is pure. And where not all dogs bite!I am pleased to say that by the end of the Marriage Retreat this woman was well on her way to petting dogs and tasting the goodness of her relationship with her husband.

In a previous posting we discussed how many couples seem unable to make the necessary breakthroughs in their marriage through traditional marriage counseling. We also mentioned that for many of those couples a well managed marriage retreat, particularly a LIFE Marriage Retreat and Training, leads to the renewal of the relationship. So what is the difference?There are many facets to this particular diamond, but we will focus briefly on just a few of the differences offered in a retreat format (please note that every marriage retreat program is different and I am speaking here from my own experience):1. Time, Location and Focus- There is something extraordinary about being in a place of peace and beauty, focusing on one another and your relationship for an extended period of time, especially when that time is backed up by the couple’s commitment to move to higher ground.2. Rebuilding Trust- Perhaps the greatest gift of this time and focus is the Retreat’s ability to help the couple to rebuild the trust that in virtually every case has been eroded in their relationship. The couple not only learns about trust on an intellectual level but does the things that help to reestablish it in the relationship.3. Training and Coaching- Departing from the general Retreat format to get more specific for a moment, there is great power and effectiveness in the curriculum and processes of a LIFE Training Retreat. A variety of teaching and training methods are used, including innovative experiential training, and great activities that map back to the principles and skills being taught. Combined with the one-on-one coaching each couple receives, the relationship objectives of the couple can consistently be met.One thing to remember is that in many cases a couple can achieve brief moments of peace and euphoria by just spending a get-away weekend together. The key to the effectiveness of the best marriage retreats is their ability to not only provide the atmosphere, but to then deliver the training and coaching that leads to long-term results rather than simply short-term euphoria.

I have friends and colleagues whom I admire that are engaged in the field of traditional marriage counseling. I respect their work and recognize that they experience many successes in working with troubled relationships.But as we work with couples in our Training Retreat program we note a great many that have worked with a marriage counselor for months or even years, but have never been able to rebuild the trust that leads to healing the relationship, or establish meaningful communication that leads to effective conflict resolution. One of their common complaints is that they spend 45 minutes in a counseling session that is often acrimonious, then leave with a few things to work on; but the moment they step back into their life environment and stresses they quickly revert to old patterns of behavior and thought. When they go to their counseling session the next week they report that it feels like they are simply starting over again.This is not meant as an indictment of traditional marriage counseling. Not all counselors are created equal (just as all marriage retreats are not created equal). And some couples expect big results from counseling even though the couples themselves are not committed to doing the work that would lead to lasting change.But as we assist couples coming out of a disappointing counseling experience we virtually always see them successfully reestablish trust and heal their relationship through the Training Retreat and post-training coaching experience. While it is possible that their counseling experience has contributed to their ultimate success, the Training Retreat format and objectives simply offer some opportunities and potential benefits not provided by most traditional counseling. We will look at some of those in the next posting.

As we prepare for another Marriage Retreat (and Training) in San Diego next week, I note that the constant that links every couple we have ever worked with stays true: There has been an erosion of trust in the relationship. Of the pillars that hold up any relationship, particularly a marriage, Trust is the central one, and we can trace most marital maladies to that pillar losing its integrity.We note that with the vast majority of our clients the loss of trust has little or nothing to do with physical infidelity; most have stayed true to that part of their vows. The erosion tends to be more subtle than that, a slow growing cancer made up of small broken promises, the distractions of the world, and a fear that perhaps our partner really can’t help us meet our legitimate Mental emotional physical and spiritual needs.We have a chicken and egg question here. For example, using the 800 pound gorilla of marital communication as an example, do couples quit communicating at a meaningful level because of a breakdown in trust, or did poor communication lead to the erosion of trust? The bottom line is that they are intertwined but our experience working with troubled marriages indicates that it is the subtle decline in trust that first precedes a commensurate decline in communication that flows from the heart and that resolves hindering issues.I feel secure in this analysis because during our Marriage Retreats as we help the couple to rebuild trust in one another (and in themselves) the rebirth of deep and meaningful communication is one of the natural results.So the first question for virtually any couple experiencing difficulty and decline in their relationship is not “How can we communicate better,” or “How can we spend more time together,” but “How can we gradually rebuild trust in the relationship?” The answer to that crucial question will be the difference between long-term success and failure in the relationship.More on developing trust and its beautiful natural byproducts in future postings.