I looked at him and said, “Now Rick, do you really want to know the answer to that, because it might be painful to hear.” He paused but bravely answered, “Well, if I’m going to do anything about it, I guess I better know the truth.”

So I told him: “You allowed yourself to become obsolete as a husband.” 

The word “Obsolete” can cut deeply into a person’s psyche and self-image. At work the last thing we want to be called is obsolete, because the unemployment line can’t be far off if that is how we are evaluated.

Just as a technology specialist can quickly become out of date if he or she does not keep up with new technologies, processes, and systems, a marriage partner can also become obsolete and out of touch in their relationship. You might call it the Dodo bird syndrome.

Perhaps you can relate to some of these patterns that bleed the life out of a marriage:

• Sometimes we don’t go to the trouble to find out what pleases our spouse and we coast on past good times.
• Often we don’t put forth the effort to grow as a communicator.
• We stop putting effort into creating special moments together through romance, dates, and moments of happy spontaneity.
• We damage trust and don’t know how to reestablish it.
• We don’t learn new skills that might help us to better manage our health, households and finances.
• We slip in our roles as parent, provider, or home manager because we don’t develop the skills or spend the requisite time.
• We stop growing toward that goal of a more refined human being.

Never make the mistake of believing that “natural ability” and being with your perfect “soul mate” will exempt you of the need to continue developing new insights, abilities, and talents that will translate to an ever growing and vibrant marriage relationship. It takes time and it takes effort. But it is time and effort that brings an infinitely joyful return on investment.

Many couples have found that the best step they have taken out of obsolescence and back into relationship relevance and fulfillment is a LIFE Marriage Retreat. It’s time to begin sharpening your saw as a part of a sacred relationship. If you can’t join us at a Retreat now, begin putting some additional effort into growing in your roles through observing your partner and what pleases them; reading the right relationship books (we suggest John Gottman as a good place to start), and just spending the time and focus on what really matters.

I am pleased to say that Rick, through dedication and effort, turned himself back into a relevant and beloved husband and father.

Obsolete is an ugly word. Don’t find yourself in such a painful place.

The story is told of the woman who, while making dinner one night, was asked by her daughter why she cut the end of the roast off before placing it in the pan to cook. “Because that was always the way my mother did it,” she answered. But it got her thinking so she called her mother to ask her the same question. “Because that is the way your grandmother always did it,” she informed her   daughter. But that, in turn, got her to thinking so she called her own aged mother and asked, “Mom, why did you cut the end off the roasts before cooking them?” Her mother was a little surprised by the question but said, “Well dear, I had a small roasting pan so I had to cut the end off the roast for it to fit.”

We all bring enormous influences with us from our families of origin (as well as from other life experiences) into our own marriages and families. If only all those influences and habits were healthy and productive! But as much as our families loved us, most of us picked up some baggage from mom and dad and siblings that we now would just as soon not have.

We have previously talked about the fall of a great Mayan city due to allowing disease-carrying Spanish sailors inside their city walls. We compared that tragedy to that which afflicts many marriages and families as they allow negative influences into their sacred homes and relationships through the Internet and other media.

Fortunately, as we discussed in previous postings,  every family can take preventative steps to protect themselves from many of these destructive outside influences. But what of those harmful traits that are brought into the home and relationship by family members in the form of attitudes, fixed beliefs, and habits?

• A husband brings with him from his family of origin a tendency to be harsh and even abusive toward his wife and children.
• A wife who observed her own mother’s lack of honesty now finds it difficult to be open and honest in her own marriage.
• Spouses whose own parents divorced have no clear vision of what a healthy marriage and family can be.
• Parents and children, bombarded with negative messages both inside and outside the home turn cynical and selfish with those who most deserve their love.

In our Marriage Retreats we do not encourage couples to get lost in blaming their past experiences (especially in their family of origin) for their current marriage troubles, but there can be some benefit in recognizing that, along with many positives, we all bring some harmful influences with us as we form the nucleus of a new family from two very different people.

We can control usage of the Internet and turn off the TV. But how do we deal with deep-seated fears, resentments, trust issues, and negative behaviors that lie within ourselves and our partners?

At a LIFE Marriage Retreat couples learn and practice the true principles and skills that define every successful marriage and life of meaning. They discover that as they make shifts in their perspective and pay attention to the results in their lives they can lay down the negative baggage they carry and replace it with  beliefs, behaviors, and goals that keep them pointed toward their objectives of a healthy and happy marriage and family.

It is not always an easy process to overcome deep-seated beliefs and behaviors, but we see couples succeed in doing so at every Retreat.

Success will not come just by digging those harmful tendencies out and thinking the work is done.  The real key is to see and believe in principles and practices that really work. It then becomes an almost natural process to allow those to simply replace the recognized negative influences within us.

As we take accountability for what we bring into our families and relationships the way will be cleared to make the changes that will bring us back on course to the higher and happier ground we all seek.

The Internet

What a powerful source for good the Internet can be! But for almost every good there is also a trap laid for the unwary.  

• Time that could be better spent with spouse and family are instead wasted on endless surfing and pointless playing. We often work with couples that claim they just don’t have enough time for one another but confess they spend hours on the Internet.
• Pornography is now gaining general recognition among the medical and psychological community as an addictive behavior that reacts in the brain in ways very similar to addictive substances, and its impact on marriages is prevalent and uniformly destructive.
• Family members can be enticed to form inappropriate virtual relationships that can lead to emotional betrayal and even physical and emotional risks.

One Idea — With your family’s involvement, set firm rules for Internet usage in your home. Make certain that computers are kept in public and open areas; set a time for the Internet to be turned off at a certain time each night; install the best filtering and tracking software available (Safe Eyes has a very good reputation).

Television, Video Games, Music, Messaging, etc.

It’s your home, protect it. Would you allow dangerous and destructive people into your home? Then why do we allow just as harmful virtual influences into our lives and homes? Stop debating and choose the safer route. Some television programming is destructive to marriages and families, case closed. Some video games and music promote excess and violence when we are seeking homes of peace and sanctuary. Many are willing to text words, images, and ideas that they would never say aloud. Husband and wife must stand firm. You deserve a home of peace and safety.

One Idea — Many of these unwholesome influences run rampant through our homes because we don’t replace them with healthier activities. The truth is that children and adults might at first moan about spending more time together, but research shows that when a couple and family spend quality time together learning and having fun, they soon become entirely willing to spend less time on television, video games, and other negative or low benefit activities. It takes planning and commitment to pull a marriage and family together, but the rewards are astronomical. Carefully managing your family’s time and access to potentially negative influences is not depriving them, but serving them.

We invite you to take your home and relationships back from the negative forces that might be holding it (and you) at siege. You can be certain that as you do so your marriage will improve and your entire family will move to higher and happier ground.

LIFE Family Trainings and LIFE Marriage Retreats will be happy to help you on this noble quest.

In our next posting we will discuss some of the damaging beliefs and attitudes that are often brought into relationships, and ways to replace them with those that are more healthy and productive.

Some time ago we visited an ancient ruin of a once great Mayan city. As we walked through the  grounds studying the crumbling stone buildings and signs of magnificent sculpture, frescoes, and even impressive technology, it was easy to see in our imagination through the mists of 1200 years the hustle and bustle of thousands of citizens of the city involved in trade, worship, play, and all aspects of life.

The city was well situated in terms of productive soil, adequate water supply, and a defensible position on cliffs overlooking the sea. In any such setting our minds eventually come up against the question: What happened to these people? Where did they go?

At least part of the answer to that question is found in the annals of history. In the 1520’s a Spanish ship anchored just off shore from the city. It is easy to imagine the dilemma of the Mayan leaders. On  one hand they were in a secure position to defend themselves against what was a very small Spanish force, should the Spaniards prove hostile. Put they were also immensely curious about these white, bearded people and their technology that was so different from that of the Mayans. And so they invited them in.

Within a matter of just a few short months this great city was in crisis as hundreds, perhaps thousands, died from an unseen plague. Eventually the city was generally abandoned and the jungle began to relentlessly take it back.

You see, whether the Spanish were hostile or bent on destroying this city and people was irrelevant, because what they unknowingly brought into the Mayan city were European diseases, perhaps germs such as small pox and cholera. The Mayan people had no natural immunity to such diseases and were annihilated as thoroughly as though by gun and sword.

As we work with marriages and families in crisis we often can trace much of the decline back to a few choices that introduced an unseen and, at first, unfelt infection into the individuals which then proceeded to overwhelm them, and then their relationships.

In our next few postings we will point out some of those deadly “diseases” that we unknowingly invite into our lives and homes and describe the havoc they can wreak. Some of those deadly influences come through our televisions, computers, and iPods and are doubly dangerous because society simply winks at them without recognizing the toll they take. Others are erroneous beliefs and attitudes that can doom a marriage if not corrected. Still others come in the form of habits or addictions.

We will also give some ideas about how to make different choices that will invite the fresh and cleansing air of healing  and joy into our families. Because at the end of the day just as the Mayans had a choice, we all have a choice of who and what we will invite inside the walls of our families and relationships.