Charity-There is a particular truth that we teach at our Couples Retreats that always creates a significant stir in our couples: Research shows that at any given time in a reasonably happy marriage you will like or admire about 85% of everything about your partner. That means that generally speaking there will be around 15% that you might find irritating or frustrating about their actions, habits, practices, words, etc. Those percentages might be higher for some, lower for others; the important thing is that you will never live with a marriage partner who is perfect. There will always be something that, if you had a magic wand, you might wave it at your partner to change the way they squeeze the toothpaste tube or how they are always late for appointments.

Upon reflection it is a good thing we don’t have that magic wand. Marriage is meant to be the great classroom, the finishing school in the development of our character–and character is developed most thoroughly as we grow in patience and forgiveness of those around us. Could we shape our spouse to fit our particular version of perfection we would grow flaccid, jaded, and even bored. Worst of all, we would never develop the key principle of Charity in our lives.

Charity is utterly indispensable in a marriage. It allows us to let go of harsh feelings. When charity has been abandoned, when the principle of forgiveness is traded for retaliation, the light of hope in a relationship becomes ever dimmer.

Without charity and accompanying forgiveness, the weight of real and imagined offenses grows ever greater, eventually crushing both partners and the relationship. It’s something like a house that is never cleaned. Eventually the dirty dishes, laundry, garbage, and junk overwhelm the home and whoever has the misfortune to live there. If we don’t have a way to remove the refuse that might build up in our marriages, represented by hurt, bitterness, and mistakes, the relationship will eventually cease to function.

Charity will be the great challenge in most marriages, but it also brings with it the sweetest rewards of peace, growing love, and mutual respect. These are gifts beyond compare.

The Three Baselines- A couple has the responsibility to work out many issues in their marriage. Finances, children, careers, in-laws, and a hundred other things will demand our problem solving skills. But we have seen many successful marriages in which partners did not quite see eye-to-eye on money or how to discipline their children. But we have never seen what we would define as a happy marriage that existed outside the boundaries of basic Civility, Fidelity, and Charity.

If you find yourself in a relationship where one or more of these areas is showing signs of decay, don’t panic. The good news is that awareness is half the battle and experience has shown that committed couples can quickly make real progress in turning things around in these baselines, and as they do they always experience an enormous upturn in happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

 Fidelity

In last weeks post I stated that there are three areas of a relationship that are not open to negotiation in terms of best-efforts always being put forth by both partners. Certainly we are all human and make mistakes, and forgiveness (which will be introduced in the part 3 post of this series) is a strengthening and enobling principle. We certainly get to cut each other some slack.

But as I stated last week, no one should have to long endure a lack of  basic civility in their marriage. And certainly a pattern of infidelity to relationship vows will always tear at its very heart.

This weeks baseline, Fidelity, would probably show up #1 on most couples list of marriage taboos and be among the hardest betrayals of trust to forgive.

In the music world fidelity means a trueness to real sound, the ability to capture the sound on a recording that we hear in the music hall. In marriage fidelity refers to remaining true to our marriage vows, not only those of physical fidelity, but also those other promises to love and honor, to put no one or no thing above our partner. And that creates beautiful music, indeed.

Fidelity represents the desire to be together and remain loyal to one another.

In our work at LIFE Marriage Retreats we see many couples who have experienced physical or emotional infidelity in their relationship. In virtually every case there is real remorse and regret for the betrayal and a deep desire to seek forgiveness and to forgive, and to strengthen the marriage as they deal with the issue then put it behind them. Time after time we see couples weather the storm and move to higher and happier ground.

If, on the other hand, the commitment to the marriage vows has become so weak that a pattern of infidelities arises and a partner has no intention to be or remain faithful, much of the point of the marriage has been abandoned.

The Tiger Woods situation has raised many questions regarding marriage fidelity and its place in any marriage, whether high profile celebrity or factory worker and homemaker.

I don’t know where Woods is in his attempts to heal himself and his marriage after years of abusing his vows. Perhaps a part of him is still upset at getting caught and just wishing he had been more careful. But if he is in recovery at all, he will eventually come to the day when he says, “Thank God I got caught. Because at that time, I and my character were in free-fall. When I had to admit the problem is when I stopped falling and began the long climb back to being a true man.” We wish him well in that recovery, because indeed, he has been, and taken his family to, a very dark and unhappy place.

It would be difficult to find a better measure for a man or woman than their willingness and ability to stay true to one another and their promises and vows. It is indeed, a baseline.

Stay true. Please stay true.