Common Threads: What Every Couple Wants (Part 2- Repair of Eroded Trust)

/by

As mentioned in our last posting, while every struggling couple is unique, they do seem to share several common yearnings. We wrote last time of every person’s desire for emotional connection. In this posting we will briefly consider the challenge and opportunity of repairing eroded trust.  Erosion of Trust in Marriage

Trust is one of the cornerstones of any successful relationship, yet virtually every marriage will experience periods of ebbing trust, not necessarily due to significant betrayals or breaking of vows, but often a result of the build up of little things such as not spending quality time together, chronic faultfinding and criticizing, or not following through on commitments.

We sometimes ask at our Retreats, “What do you think would be the fastest way to build trust with another person?” We always get some great answers that come from the hearts of people yearning for trust:

  • Speak honestly from your heart
  • Be open and vulnerable
  • Be accountable regarding past mistakes
  • Show authentic respect

Clearly these are all key elements to building trust with your partner. These and other elements of trust are woven throughout the Retreat experience. We always point out another simple but effective process in building trust: Make and Keep Promises.

Simply consistently being our word can quickly develop trust with others. Many people make promises to others with little actual commitment to follow through, then find themselves constantly making excuses for why they forgot to pick up the cleaning or how they could not get to that project they promised to complete, and a hundred other promises that are delayed or forgotten. While these seem like small slips, broken promises and forgotten commitments can add up over time, slowly but surely eroding trust.

If you want to build trust with your partner, making and keeping promises can be a clearly “trackable” place to start. A few hints to help in the process:

  • Consider each promise you make. Don’t be stingy in making promises, but make sure you really can follow through and deliver on them.
  • Determine some promises that might be particularly meaningful to your partner
  • It’s OK to start with ‘small’ commitments, then build from there.
  • Write every promise you make, then review your commitment list regularly

This concept of consciously making and following through with promises might seem somewhat contrived at first, something of an ‘exercise;’ but the building of any new habit will involve some conscious thought and planning, and this trust building process will bear some wonderful fruit for you and your relationship.

Common Threads: What Every Couple Wants (Part 1- Emotional Connection)

/by

Couples who call LIFE Marriage Retreats looking for help for their struggling family relationships are all unique in the details of their marital and family obstacles, yet virtually all of them share some common yearnings for their desired ideal relationship:

  • Emotional Connection
  • Repair of eroded Trust
  • Healing of Resentment and Hurt (with Forgiveness being a prime component of that healing)

Our next several postings will deal, one at a time, with these indispensable relationship ideals.

Emotional Connection

Dr. Sue Johnson in her book, “Hold Me Tight” writes, “Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions: ‘Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call’?” 

In this world that is so quick to wound and marginalize we are all looking for sanctuary, that safe place of acceptance and understanding where our hearts can knit to that of another, and we can feel a part of a shared past, present, and future. We are looking for connection.

When we miss that union we tend to panic and in our need we often prod, and demand, usually pushing our partner even farther away. Or we might retreat into emotional isolation in an attempt to protect ourselves from more pain and disappointment.

Sometimes the world makes the mistake of believing that men have little need for emotional bonding, that it is a feminine thing. The truth is that every man and woman wants a healthy and fulfilling connection with the people they love, but many of us are clumsy in asking and giving such connection and most of us carry some fear of rejection that holds us back.

Take the time (and even the risk) of seeking and offering those sweet emotional ties to those you love. Much of the negative behavior we see in relationships springs from the unmet need to feel connected. Be patient with one another and seek to understand the pain and loneliness your partner might be feeling; move beyond defensiveness and attack and instead lovingly explore together connection needs and possibilities.

Together you will find sanctuary.