Marriage Marauders: Negativity

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While there are many potential joys in marriage there are always some marauding predators lurking about prepared to take a bite out of the happiness, trust, and security of our relationship. One of the most common is Negativity. 

Our relationships tend to start with very positive views and opinions of one another, almost as if we were wearing rose colored glasses. Most experts agree that those rose colored glasses are not a bad thing in marriages and we should work to keep them on. That does not mean that we overlook significant negative behavior by our partner, but that we do work to maintain an overall optimism about our marriage, and a positive view of our partner. If we pull out our magnifying glass we can certainly find any number of of flaws in one another, and if we dwell on those flaws, eventually our relationship will turn into a dried husk with little of the vibrant juices that fed it in earlier times.

Additionally, if we allow pessimism and negativity to dominate, we are likely to define all of our partner’s behaviors in that light; even positive attitudes and behaviors will be judged in a harsh and cynical way. The marauding lions will have been set loose in your marriage.

Make the commitment now to shift from a negative space to one of greater positivity and optimism. That might seem like a “Pollyanna” unrealistic response to marital challenges, but it is our experience that the more positive viewpoint will almost always be the more accurate picture of your partner and the relationship. And certainly such an attitude will be appreciated by your partner, leading to feelings of safety and a greater commitment to deal with the real relationship issues in a healthy way.

Start this shift by perhaps making a list of some of your partner’s qualities, talents and attributes. Remember back to your days of courtship and early marriage and some of the early attractions you felt. Think again about why you wanted to spend your life with this person.

We have said it before and it remains one of the brightest truths of happy marriages: Focus on your partner’s positive attributes and your own areas that need change. This will invite positive change from your partner and bring immediate light into the darkness.

Relationship Trumps Results (or, Have Your Cake and Eat It Too)

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We recently worked with a couple who had just completed a relatively demanding experiential activity that required significant teamwork and communication. They had some bad moments during the activity, falling back into old patterns of behavior and both of them were feeling upset with themselves and each other.

This couple had felt that the activity in which they were participating had to look a certain way; that to be deemed a success they had to accomplish certain things in specific ways in a certain sequence–and they disagreed about some of the ways and sequences.  Marriage Communication-Have your cake and eat it too

The couple allowed the desire to be right and to force things to look a certain way to overwhelm principles and skills such as kindness, mutual perspective, patience, accountability, and communication. They bickered and demanded and moved back and forth between being passive and aggressive and in the process gummed up both their activity and their relationship.

As we helped them process and learn from the experience we shared with them one of the key “secrets” of successful relationships: Never place external results above the relationship.

Certainly we all want to find good solutions to the various obstacles and challenges we face in our lives and families, but we often get caught up in the need for solutions Right Now and sacrifice our relationship along the way.

In the future when you and your partner are facing one of life’s challenges, make certain that as you begin seeking solutions that you both agree that the relationship comes first and that your communication and problem solving processes will be based primarily on the goal of strengthening your relationship, with an immediate solution being a secondary goal. Sometimes the solution might take a little longer to discover and implement, but as you show mutual respect and patience, and exercise healthy communication skills, you will build the trust and safety of your marriage AND find better solutions as a result.

As you always place the relationship over any external results you are seeking, you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.