Three Little Tools

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Communication Tools

I have been thinking a lot lately about three little tools.  In fact, they cross my mind nearly every time I help a couple to communicate better with one another.  They are to Mirror, Validate, and Empathize. The bottom line to understand about communication is that people want to be heard.  That is why we tend to speak louder, harsher, and without cessation when no one is truly listening.  No doubt you have experienced this in your relationship at one point or another.  Mirroring, validating, and empathizing in a conversation can ensure that your partner feels heard.

To Mirror, you must simply repeat what you have heard your partner say, but in your own words.  Don’t repeat it word for word, because no one likes a parrot and it is not sincere.

To Validate, you must acknowledge that what your partner has said is indeed valid for him/her.

To Empathize, you must convey that you understand how your partner feels and that you can relate to it on some level.

Next time you are in a conversation with your significant other and you sense that the volume is getting louder, the words are becoming harsher, and there is hardly a pause to breathe, take a step back and listen.  Then, mirror, validate, and empathize. Chances are, the mood will change, the conversation will be more productive, and your relationship will be strengthened.

“All’s Well That ‘Begins’ Well”

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From Biblical Proverbs to Shakespearean plays to common modern idioms we can find wise counsel that the outcome of any event is most dependent on how it starts. Even rappers know this truth–” You know where it ends yo, it usually depends on where you start!” (“What It’s Like;” Everlast)  Shakespear-Soft Start in Marriage

A common mistake in marriages is that of beginning what we hope will be a discussion of possible solutions to an issue with a harsh verbal attack of blame and demands. Invariably the result of such a beginning will be an ending that is as bad or worse than the start. No lasting resolution will be found and the trust and safety of the relationship will be violated.

While there are many keys to ensuring healthy and productive communication on thorny issues, a “soft start” is a crucial one. You can let your partner know of your concerns without turning it into personal attack or a blame-game.

When we criticize our partners, their natural instinct is toward defensiveness which leads to either counter-aggression or “checking out” of the discussion emotionally and/or physically. So rather than accomplishing our goal of a solution and a better relationship, we get damage, frustration, and misery.

Rather than heatedly saying to our partners, “I am so tired of your laziness and not getting any help from you!” we might say, “Honey, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Could you give me a hand with a few chores?” You will likely find some immediate help as well as a safe way to discuss longer term solutions.

You don’t need to hide your needs or play the silent martyr when things aren’t working in your relationship. Just remember that your partner has their own perspective and will be more open to yours when they feel invited to seek solutions rather than forced to defend themselves.