Marriage Myths-Part 4: The Fallacy of Falling Out of Love

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Recently a friend of mine was asked to perform an arrangement written for a clarinet, viola, and the piano, at a public function hundreds of people would be attending.  A part of him was thrilled, flattered by the offer.  Another part of him, as he put it, sent him “screaming into an inner closet!”

You see, though my friend had in his teenage years mastered the clarinet having played in the orchestra, the marching band, the concert band, and the jazz band, he had since neglected the gift of talent he had once rejoiced in and, except for an occasional moment or two of nostalgia, had not played in more than 40 years.

After accepting the gracious invitation he found that his attempts to play were slow and painful, interrupted by the most horrendous and nonmusical of sounds. While sympathetic with his situation I must admit to enjoying a little laughter at his expense. But reflecting on his plight, I started thinking of people who had lost a gift they once possessed in their lives. Even more telling, I have heard people speak of having lost the love of a spouse or for a spouse, saying they have “fallen out of love.”

So had my friend “fallen” out of talent for playing the clarinet?  I think through neglect and thoughtlessness he had not kept it tuned, and had lost his edge, but I submit not his talent. He had not practiced and nourished his musical gift. Just as it was the musical squawks and squeaks that brought to him the sounds of rusty abilities, is it not to be expected that a neglected relationship will produce its share of painful off-key notes evidenced by fighting, criticizing, and complaining?

 

At LIFE it is our firm belief that love and relationships take practice, fuel, and care. Perhaps you have sometime resumed a long neglected hobby, sport, or task and have felt the screaming of long-neglected muscles.

Do you remember during your courtship the hours you spent on the phone, the obsession, the meticulous care you showed to your appearance and behavior as you created a loving caring, and exciting relationship? The dedication must have paid off for you at one time, or you would not be looking for that same feeling again!

Though the hormones may have been in full bloom at the time, they did not account for the success. The creativity and effort you put into building a warm and trusting relationship was rewarded. You might now be relating to the pain my friend felt for neglecting his music, or the pain you felt as you realized the time that had lapsed since your last encounter with your muscles; and realize these truths also apply to the disappointment and loneliness you are perhaps now be feeling in your marriage.

At LIFE we believe in miracles. We believe that with new skills, sound principles, and some fun and dedicated time together you can once again hear and experience the sweet harmonies that once defined your earlier years of marriage. You can find new wisdom and gain the power that will allow you to forevermore nurture your relationship and keep it strong and healthy.

At our Trainings and Retreats we create an environment within which couples heal, reestablish trust, and communicate from their hearts. Our couples experience the joys of reconnection and discover a new and vibrant melody in their lives.

Oh, by the way it is our experience that the hormones are still there, perhaps rearranged and somewhat dormant, but none the less there.  With new trust and a reawakening of forgotten or deeply buried feelings, the deep attraction to one another and feelings of closeness will return.  A depth of love you have only dreamed of will emerge and you will enjoy the fruits of your “practice” and commitment.

Marriage Myths-Part 3

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       I am going to combine three of the myths into one for this posting:

      1.   If we have true love then we shouldn’t have to “work” at our marriage; it will simply be a natural process.

2.      If our marriage does not have the same hormonal fireworks as our courtship and newlywed days, we are failing.

3.      We just sort of fell out of love.  

     

Many years ago as I was struggling to define myself and figure out why my marriage relationship seemed to be stuck and stagnant I happened to hear the Bruce Springsteen song, “One Step Up and Two Steps Back.” Springsteen comes to an important realization as he sings, “I look in the mirror and I don’t see the man I wanted to be—somewhere along the line I slipped off track; one step up and two steps back.”

As I looked in my mirror I came to the same conclusion that I had slipped off track; and then with a new sense of purpose I took accountability for my own failings and neglect of my relationship and set out on a new relationship journey, committed to a new way of growth and rebuilding. It was the best commitment I ever made.

A vibrant, living marriage relationship provides us with the greatest test to our commitment and resiliency that most of us will ever know. It is a complex organism that will both delight and humble us. It is the great schoolroom and laboratory of life that will expose all of our weaknesses and failings, even as it refines us and, if we let it, ultimately leads us to become the people we are meant to be.

Perhaps the saddest thing we see is people who waste the potentially ennobling experiences of marriage and instead complain that they “have just lost the feelings,” or criticize their partner for not meeting their picture of the “ideal.”

Marriage is meant to be a challenging, rewarding, confusing, fulfilling, frustrating, joyful crucible of experiences that constantly tests us even as it rewards us with the sweetest fruits we will ever know.

The supercharged romantic experience of early marriage is meant to decline in favor of a strong, fulfilling, and lasting companionship. This does not mean the fire and passion dies, but instead gives off a constant warmth of comfort and safety rather than sparks and explosions that exhaust and eventually jade us.

As we deal with the challenges and opportunities of marriage in healthy and learning ways we will experience more and more joy and pleasure and less and less pain and frustration. We have a choice: learn the enduring lessons marriage has to offer and discover peace and harmony; or live in the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

One of the principles that marriage most wants to teach us is Humility. As we maintain a sense of openness and teachability everything becomes possible. From such a position we will recognize the need to develop and grow in our relationships through learning and experience. We will understand that marriage contentment and success lies much more in our willingness to change ourselves than in demanding change of our partner. We will come to learn that the key to building a better marriage is to first build a better self, then bring that better self into the relationship day by day.

If you find yourself exhausted and bedraggled in your relationship one of the best ways to get back on track is to attend a LIFE Marriage Retreat. At the Retreat you will deal with the issues and challenges that have bogged you down even as you learn the principles and skills that define every successful marriage and feel those gain traction in your heart and relationship.