Marriage Infections and Their Cures

Some time ago we visited an ancient ruin of a once great Mayan city. As we walked through the  grounds studying the crumbling stone buildings and signs of magnificent sculpture, frescoes, and even impressive technology, it was easy to see in our imagination through the mists of 1200 years the hustle and bustle of thousands of citizens of the city involved in trade, worship, play, and all aspects of life.

The city was well situated in terms of productive soil, adequate water supply, and a defensible position on cliffs overlooking the sea. In any such setting our minds eventually come up against the question: What happened to these people? Where did they go?

At least part of the answer to that question is found in the annals of history. In the 1520’s a Spanish ship anchored just off shore from the city. It is easy to imagine the dilemma of the Mayan leaders. On  Marriage Problemsone hand they were in a secure position to defend themselves against what was a very small Spanish force, should the Spaniards prove hostile. Put they were also immensely curious about these white, bearded people and their technology that was so different from that of the Mayans. And so they invited them in.

Within a matter of just a few short months this great city was in crisis as hundreds, perhaps thousands, died from an unseen plague. Eventually the city was generally abandoned and the jungle began to relentlessly take it back.

You see, whether the Spanish were hostile or bent on destroying this city and people was irrelevant, because what they unknowingly brought into the Mayan city were European diseases, perhaps germs such as small pox and cholera. The Mayan people had no natural immunity to such diseases and were annihilated as thoroughly as though by gun and sword.

As we work with marriages and families in crisis we often can trace much of the decline back to a few choices that introduced an unseen and, at first, unfelt infection into the individuals which then proceeded to overwhelm them, and then their relationships.

In our next few postings we will point out some of those deadly “diseases” that we unknowingly invite into our lives and homes and describe the havoc they can wreak. Some of those deadly influences come through our televisions, computers, and iPods and are doubly dangerous because society simply winks at them without recognizing the toll they take. Others are erroneous beliefs and attitudes that can doom a marriage if not corrected. Still others come in the form of habits or addictions.

We will also give some ideas about how to make different choices that will invite the fresh and cleansing air of healing  and joy into our families. Because at the end of the day just as the Mayans had a choice, we all have a choice of who and what we will invite inside the walls of our families and relationships.

Retaliation or Reconciliation?

One of the most important journeys any of us will take during our lifetime is that which leads to wisdom. One of the key components of wisdom is learning to recognize that all our choices have consequences, positive or negative. As we grow in wisdom, we are willing to learn from the results of our choices, making better and better decisions as we move along life’s path.

As we strive to become more wise in our relationships there is a particular choice that we will be called upon to make time after time in our marriages. Sometime in the next few days almost every last one of us is going to feel offended, irritated, or hurt by something our partner says or does.

It’s not always easy to think in rational terms when our blood pressure is rising over a perceived slight, but the truth is that conflict is the passageway to intimacy and health in our relationships. Without it there is no growth or refining. But to win the relationship rewards we must make the right decision in the face of adversity.  Marriage Reconciliation

That moment when you feel hurt or offended you will be faced with a decision: Should you Retaliate; or should you seek Resolution and Reconciliation? Your response to this choice will have an enormous bearing on your future happiness and the long-term success of your relationships.

You might have hoodwinked yourself into believing that you really don’t have a choice; that offense must be answered with offense, aggression with aggression (even if it is passive aggressiveness). That is patently false—you do have the freedom to choose. You can choose the mindless destruction of retaliation and begin or continue the downward spiral of your most precious relationship.

Or you can enter that special passageway that leads to trust and relationship harmony by seeking reconciliation and win/win resolution. It only takes one partner to make that first step.

I don’t want to trivialize such a step or the effort required to take it. We humans seem to be hardwired to answer a hurt or offense in a like manner, and without a determined and conscious effort, retaliation, in some form will usually be our reaction.

But it is possible to choose differently and, by doing so, to literally bring a relationship out of the cold downward spiral to warmer, higher, and happier ground. I point to some necessities if we are to break this damaging cycle of hurt and retaliation,

 1.    Find a space of humility that brings with it a desire for reconciliation above “winning” or proving yourself “right.”

2.     Take the initiative and be the peacemaker. Don’t let pride stand in the way of resolution.

3.     Sympathize with your partner’s feelings and seek to understand their perspective. You need not agree with their point of view, but it is important to understand and acknowledge it.

4.     Without trying to justify yourself, take accountability for your part in the problem.  The truth is that there are very few relationship issues that are unilateral; the roots of problems tend to be tangled together. Taking your share of accountability will help defuse the resentment of others.

5.     “Attack” the problem, not the person. Be honest, but choose your words and tone of voice carefully. Nothing has ever been solved through harsh judgment or name calling.

6.     Emphasize Reconciliation, not resolution. Never place the desire for a solution above the paramount goal of building and strengthening the relationship. Solutions will always be found in a healthy and loving relationship, but rarely in one marred by turf wars and a need to be right.

 You will discover that as the relationship is reconciled, many issues will lose their negative energy and will simply disappear or become more easily managed. So don’t hesitate to temporarily compromise on a particular problem, knowing that an even better solution will grow from the fertile soil of a loving relationship.

The Desert, the Oasis, and Marriage Retreats

Most couples who come to our LIFE Marriage Retreats have something in common: They have unsuccessfully tried traditional marriage counseling as a means of taking their marriage to higher and happier ground.

While certainly not all marriage counselors are created equal, this is not meant as an indictment of traditional marriage counseling. Instead, the observation points to a fact that holds true for any marriage enhancement program; no matter how brilliant the teacher, trainer, or therapist; no matter how true their teachings, observations, and assignments to the couple in marital distress, it will always come down to the couple’s willingness and ability to understand what is being offered to them, and to LIVE IT over a long enough period of time that it leads to a new way of being for both partners in the relationship.

We own a cabin where we do some of our Marriage Trainings. This cabin is in a desert region but sits on a pretty little lake in the midst of a lovely oasis. The cabin has been in our family for years so we have some understanding of what it took to change the desert into an oasis. We realize that the beautiful green grass did not magically appear; the cool of the shade from tall leafy trees has not always been there; the bright and plentiful flowers have not always bloomed in that region. All of these and more were bought by precious water from deep underground and consistent and dedicated work.

Even with the initial battle won every year brings a new challenge to maintain that oasis in the middle of the desert, because the desert fights hard to take it back. There is no such thing as cruise control, coasting, or resting on your laurels in such an environment. Miss any needed upkeep or maintenance and grass quickly browns, flowers wither, trees become infested, and desert weeds proliferate before your eyes. The desert demands commitment and consistency from those who choose to live there. So does marriage!

Like that desert oasis, marriage first must be built by those with the vision and commitment necessary to any great task, then be consistently nurtured and maintained.

It takes effort and desire to learn the principles and skills that define every successful relationship, then a deep commitment and ongoing work to build trust and stay true to those principles and skills. Every time we think we have arrived and think that we can coast in our marriage, the ‘desert’ will try to take it back and we will see the trust wither and joy turn dry and brittle.

Many couples find a Marriage Retreat and its traction building concentrated time and energy to be the perfect way to build or rebuild the oasis of their marriage, and to deeply internalize the principles and skills needed for the long haul. But whether a couple chooses a Marriage Retreat or Traditional Counseling, the bottom line will be their commitment to live the principles and practice the skills for the rest of their lives.