May 2010 - LIFE Marriage Retreats

Posted by Margo Dye, co-owner of LIFE Marriage Retreats

We all know that Humility is one of the indispensable principles of happy relationships, and I think I am beginning to finally learn it, but not without a price. I am discovering that true humility goes far beyond simple tolerance and has nothing to do with self-righteousness.

My dear daughter-in-law is so much like me in many ways, but with many improvements that I admire and am still striving for. Recently we had an unspoken struggle of a direction we were both going, but wanting it to be on our own terms.

I love her and wanted things to be right and OK between us again, but found that pride and issues that I was slow to admit were getting in the way. The selfishness and immaturity I chose into made the decision of going to her to talk about things a slow and arduous process.

This time of pride and its accompanying misery was grueling; I wanted the pain to end but was unwilling to let it go and admit I was wrong in wanting things my way.

At a recent Marriage Retreat we worked with a couple that had been separated by war. In those difficult circumstances they became distracted from what is really important in a relationship and each pursued some selfish interests, trying to fill their emptiness. As the husband awoke to the awareness of how far apart they had drifted, not only in real distance, but emotionally as well, he realized what he was losing and desperately sought to repair the breaches in their relationship. He was frightened and hurt and wanted the damage he had helped bring into the relationship fixed immediately.

Watching him striving to align his actions with his desires was, for a time, like watching someone trying to get two powerful magnets with the same polarity together, and failing in the attempt. In this quick-fix-I-want-it-now world we want to go to the store, pick it out, bag it, and use it immediately. In our search for the quick fix in our relationships we especially do not want to admit that we are a very real part of the problem. This man at first felt his resentment was justified and he wanted to make it all about his wife and her need to change and recommit to the relationship. But it was not until he found his own space of humility and took accountability for his part in damaging the relationship, that they were able to move forward and connect once again.

The time I spent in my selfish frame of mind was so draining. I was finally able to take my accountability in the misunderstanding with my daughter-in-law and am grateful that she was willing to accept my apology.

I’ve heard that resentment and carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I can verify from experience that it is true.

A few words from a popular song by John Mayer stand out to me: “Waiting on the World to Change.”

I feel I could wait forever, and maybe I would die waiting for others to change to suit me. I am finding that it’s me that continues to need the changing and refining.

And that is a liberating discovery!

In our LIFE Couples Retreats we often use the phrase, “True North,” referring to the direction that leads to ultimate life and relationship joy and fulfillment. In our trainings we teach the principles and skills that become the compass or GPS that keep us consistently on track, heading true north, toward our desired destination.

Many in our world fool themselves into believing that there are any number of directions that can be defined as an individual’s true north, that there are no rules or maps that govern the journey. It is certainly true that our individual journeys are unique, and that we each will move at our own pace and experience unique side trips and detours. We will always possess our own Compass unique characteristics and personalities. But ultimately south, east, or west are not North, and as long as we insist on other directions we are doomed to wander lost in the desert, never finding the higher and happier ground we all crave in our relationships.

Over the years we have worked with couple after couple who, before coming to us, had tried to find their way to happiness and peace through back doors and short-cuts. For years they butted their heads against walls and obstacles, convinced that if they tried it their way just one more time, it would work and they could finally discover the life and relationship of their dreams.

As all of us sometimes do, they had been living in insanity. You remember the definition of insanity, don’t you?Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

What these couples have previously failed to understand is that relationships are governed by principles that are as powerful, pervasive, and even predictable as physical laws such as the law of gravity. While I am all for science being taught in school, sometimes I wish the schools would teach a little less of the Laws of Motion and at least something about The Laws of Successful Relationships; the world would be a happier place.

Left without a map or compass many people stumble frustratingly in the darkness, relationship happiness and fulfillment always out of reach. The principles of successful relationships are always there, unchanging and ready to be put to miraculous use, but instead of allowing those principles to lead them true north to happiness they more often break themselves against them. They don’t figure out that as hard as anyone tries to make it otherwise, dishonesty will always damage us and our relationships. Impatience and anger with others will never bring us the sweet results we ultimately seek. On the other hand, they also find it hard to comprehend that principles of kindness and honest attempts to understand the perspective of another will always bring warm rewards.

In our human pride we so want to do things our way and will fight to defend our turf and prove ourselves right. By the time most of our couples come to us they have wearied of the fight and have come to the conclusion that they would rather be happy than “right.” They have decided that humility is not weakness but perhaps the greatest strength that they will ever know. They are open to learning a better way and a new direction.

These couples soak up the principles and skills, thrilled as they almost immediately see the positive results of their first hesitant attempts to bring new skills and true principles into their lives and relationships.

It’s not always easy. Old beliefs die hard; former habits don’t always leave quietly. Most of us have spent decades developing our current ways of being so we won’t be able to make a complete shift overnight.

But if you are like other people we have worked with, you are ready for new light, greater happiness, and are prepared to commit to an exciting and joyful journey. That is all that is necessary.

We hope you will join us sometime soon.