The 3 Non-Negotiable Baselines of Marriage (#3:Charity)

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Charity-There is a particular truth that we teach at our Couples Retreats that always creates a significant stir in our couples: Research shows that at any given time in a reasonably happy marriage you will like or admire about 85% of everything about your partner. That means that generally speaking there will be around 15% that you might find irritating or frustrating about their actions, habits, practices, words, etc. Those percentages might be higher for some, lower for others; the important thing is that you will never live with a marriage partner who is perfect. There will always be something that, if you had a magic wand, you might wave it at your partner to change the way they squeeze the toothpaste tube or how they are always late for appointments.

Upon reflection it is a good thing we don’t have that magic wand. Marriage is meant to be the great classroom, the finishing school in the development of our character–and character is developed most thoroughly as we grow in patience and forgiveness of those around us. Could we shape our spouse to fit our particular version of perfection we would grow flaccid, jaded, and even bored. Worst of all, we would never develop the key principle of Charity in our lives.

Charity is utterly indispensable in a marriage. It allows us to let go of harsh feelings. When charity has been abandoned, when the principle of forgiveness is traded for retaliation, the light of hope in a relationship becomes ever dimmer.

Without charity and accompanying forgiveness, the weight of real and imagined offenses grows ever greater, eventually crushing both partners and the relationship. It’s something like a house that is never cleaned. Eventually the dirty dishes, laundry, messy housegarbage, and junk overwhelm the home and whoever has the misfortune to live there. If we don’t have a way to remove the refuse that might build up in our marriages, represented by hurt, bitterness, and mistakes, the relationship will eventually cease to function.

Charity will be the great challenge in most marriages, but it also brings with it the sweetest rewards of peace, growing love, and mutual respect. These are gifts beyond compare.

The Three Baselines- A couple has the responsibility to work out many issues in their marriage. Finances, children, careers, in-laws, and a hundred other things will demand our problem solving skills. But we have seen many successful marriages in which partners did not quite see eye-to-eye on money or how to discipline their children. But we have never seen what we would define as a happy marriage that existed outside the boundaries of basic Civility, Fidelity, and Charity.

If you find yourself in a relationship where one or more of these areas is showing signs of decay, don’t panic. The good news is that awareness is half the battle and experience has shown that committed couples can quickly make real progress in turning things around in these baselines, and as they do they always experience an enormous upturn in happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

The 3 Non-Negotiable Baselines of Marriage (#2:Fidelity)

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Fidelity

In last weeks post I stated that there are three areas of a relationship that are not open to negotiation in terms of best-efforts always being put forth by both partners. Certainly we are all human and make mistakes, and forgiveness (which will be introduced in the part 3 post of this series) is a strengthening and enobling principle. We certainly get to cut each other some slack.

But as I stated last week, no one should have to long endure a lack of  basic civility in their marriage. And certainly a pattern of infidelity to relationship vows will always tear at its very heart.Wedding Rings

This weeks baseline, Fidelity, would probably show up #1 on most couples list of marriage taboos and be among the hardest betrayals of trust to forgive.

In the music world fidelity means a trueness to real sound, the ability to capture the sound on a recording that we hear in the music hall. In marriage fidelity refers to remaining true to our marriage vows, not only those of physical fidelity, but also those other promises to love and honor, to put no one or no thing above our partner. And that creates beautiful music, indeed.

Fidelity represents the desire to be together and remain loyal to one another.

In our work at LIFE Marriage Retreats we see many couples who have experienced physical or emotional infidelity in their relationship. In virtually every case there is real remorse and regret for the betrayal and a deep desire to seek forgiveness and to forgive, and to strengthen the marriage as they deal with the issue then put it behind them. Time after time we see couples weather the storm and move to higher and happier ground.

If, on the other hand, the commitment to the marriage vows has become so weak that a pattern of infidelities arises and a partner has no intention to be or remain faithful, much of the point of the marriage has been abandoned.

The Tiger Woods situation has raised many questions regarding marriage fidelity and its place in any marriage, whether high profile celebrity or factory worker and homemaker.

I don’t know where Woods is in his attempts to heal himself and his marriage after years of abusing his vows. Perhaps a part of him is still upset at getting caught and just wishing he had been more careful. But if he is in recovery at all, he will eventually come to the day when he says, “Thank God I got caught. Because at that time, I and my character were in free-fall. When I had to admit the problem is when I stopped falling and began the long climb back to being a true man.” We wish him well in that recovery, because indeed, he has been, and taken his family to, a very dark and unhappy place.

It would be difficult to find a better measure for a man or woman than their willingness and ability to stay true to one another and their promises and vows. It is indeed, a baseline.

Stay true. Please stay true.

The 3 Non-Negotiable Baselines of Marriage (#1:Civility)

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At our Couples Retreats one of our favorite topics of discussion revolves around the fact that, at least in this lifetime, none of us will ever live with a perfect partner who does and is everything we think they should do and be.

This leads to the inescapable conclusion that if we are to remain sane and happy in our marriages there are certain things that we will get to learn to live with and to forgive in one another. We have great fun with this subject at our Marriage Retreats and in every case our couples discover that, indeed, they can happily cut one another some slack regarding certain irritations and foibles, especially when they know that their partner is doing their best to build a better self and relationship. But the patience represented by such relationship generosity is not the topic of this and other upcoming posts.

Our intent here is to identify several areas that we refer to as Baselines of Marriage.  A baseline is defined as “an imaginary line or standard by which things are measured or compared.” In this case we will point to three components of a relationship that must be maintained above a certain line or standard, and cannot forever be simply shrugged off or patiently endured if behavior sags.

Should one or both partners be engaged in behavior that consistently violates one or more of these baselines, they must work through appropriate means to improve the situation or will face the weakening and eventual collapse of their relationship foundation.

Today we will consider the first of these baseline relationship requirements:

Civility– To go out into the world and exercise common courtesies and graciousness then return home and treat our loved ones with indifference or meanness is unconscionable. While we all have a bad day occasionally and might, in a moment of frustration, say or do something hurtful or insulting to another, it must be the rare exception. No one should have to long live with emotional or verbal abuse. “Please” and “Thank You” should never go out of style. We all have the ability to modulate our tone of voice away from shouting, accusing, or belittling.

We need not label one another in derogatory ways; biting sarcasm has no place in a loving family. Constant reminders of perceived weaknesses and failures are a form of aggression that damages everyone involved.

There never has been and never will be an excuse for treating others with anything but respect and dignity, even when we think our loved ones might not have “earned” it. We will find that as we treat others with that respect and dignity, their behavior will almost always improve and they will reflect the same back to us.

A lack of civility is a learned behavior. Sometimes those who are stunted in their kindness and civility have grown up in an environment where graciousness and politeness were unknown and bring that void into their relationships. In other cases feelings of frustration and hurt in the relationship can be translated into hard words and unkind behavior.

Do not despair if you see that your relationship has strayed out of bounds in this area. Becoming aware of the problem is often half the battle, and we have seen many couples turn the tide just through a little effort and practice.

The practice of civility in a home and relationship can, for a time, be led through the effort by just one of the partners, and even those unilateral efforts can make a big difference in thawing some of the ice from the relationship and bringing back some of the warmth of civility.

Yes, the underlying issues of trust, communication, accountability and others must be dealt with, but those issues will become much more manageable in an atmosphere of patience and civility.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage (change yourself first)

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Change yourself first:

Tolerance is a good temporary tool to have in our relationship toolbox, but it is not one we want to constantly depend on over the long haul. White knuckled, teeth gritting tolerance eventually saps our energy and we will likely ultimately collapse under its weight. And even as we are simply tolerating another person or a part of their behavior, the relationship will not really grow or prosper. Settling just for tolerance can lead to the booby prize depicted in this picture and caption of “I’m right and you’re wrong, but I’ll try to put up with you.”

It has been said that a flaw in many marriages is the so-called “good” partner who is really only tolerant, who only endures. Polite neutrality softens no heart, invites no mighty change. A dull and lifeless commitment wonders, “How long must I wait for this person to change?” An active loyal commitment asks, “What can I do to touch the heart of my companion?”

Asking myself such a loving question will lead to seeing things from a new perspective. I often find as I seek a better understanding of others and their behaviors that it is me that is out of alignment rather than the other person. I can then take accountability for my own feelings and build a better relationship through my unilateral changes and actions.

But sometimes our partners are, indeed, out of alignment. What then? The long-term answers are to learn how to influence our loved ones appropriately without controlling; and to develop charity in our relationship that leads to the ability to love and delight in our partners just the way they are. Those discussions will be left for our Couples Retreats.For now we can focus simply on changing the ONLY thing that is within our power to change: Ourselves.

This is a powerfully liberating principle. As we end the ceaseless examination and judgment of others; as we realize that our attempts to control or force change in others is doomed to failure and will simply erode the trust of the relationship, we are freed up to put down the magnifying glass and instead pick up the mirror.

The truth is that relationships are reflective and we will find that if we want our partner to treat us with greater respect and tenderness, we get to treat them in that fashion. If we want our loved ones to be more enthusiastic about the relationship, we get to exhibit our own heartfelt enthusiasm. In almost every case we will find that our attitudes and actions will be reflected back to us by our relationships (whether negative or positive).

When I made the decision many years ago to cease in my attempts to manipulate, control, and change others it was as if chains had been unlocked and lifted from me. Focusing on my own self-improvement and then bringing that better self into my marriage every day has been the key to building a great relationship with Margo. Margo then reflects back to me (while adding her own light and service) what I offer to her and it creates an ever ascending and joyful spiral as opposed to the death spiral experienced by many relationships where the partners are simply pridefully waiting for the other to change.

Free yourself from such misery and direct your time and energy to where it can actually do some good. Get off the “Spouse Improvement Plan” and focus on the “Self Improvement Commitment.”