Couples Retreat: Lessons Learned in San Diego

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Report from San Diego Couples Retreat: 2/10-13/2010

One thing I have learned about our Couples Retreats is that I can expect to be both a teacher and learner in every situation. As Margo and I work with the couples I can anticipate learning one of the principles or skills of successful relationships a little better. I can look forward to being inspired by a couple or individual powerfully taking on a new way of being in their relationship. I can always find a deeper desire to commit to being a better man and husband as I feel the energy of other committed people doing the same thing.

We hosted three couples in Oceanside this past week, and as always, I am indeed a better man for it.

In our final private sessions with each couple we asked them to describe their most important or exciting discovery during our time together; a principle or skill they felt would have lasting impact on their lives and relationships. I will share a few of their responses (names have been changed):

Martin- “Perspective. It really opened my eyes that it was OK for my partner to have a Man Holding Sundifferent perspective or opinion from mine. It was exciting to understand that such a different viewpoint did not have to be a point of contention or a battle to prove myself right, but could be the starting point in finding a better solution than I could find on my own. Even when my partner and I don’t agree on something, as we acknowledge one another we show respect for each other and grow stronger.”

Brenda- “It was such a relief to see that I did not have to use anger and yelling in some aggressive attack to get results. I had become so exhausted in trying to control other people and damaging everyone’s trust in the process; it was a relief to lay that down and learn of positive and loving ways to influence others.”

John- “I felt so lost before the Retreat. I had forgotten what really mattered in my life and relationships, and it seemed like I could only be happy if others were making me happy. I had no internal compass that could consistently lead me to peace and happiness. Now I see that happiness is my choice. While that accountability can seem a bit daunting, it is also liberating.”

Dianne- “I realize now that I had become a bundle of resentments. I could not let go of the past and found that it colored everything about the present and made me feel there Merry-go-Roundwas no hope for the future. Even when my husband really seemed to be doing his best to change or showed me special kindness I could not get past the old pain to trust him again. That in turn made it hard for him to trust me. It was such a vicious cycle and I could not figure out how to get off the painful merry-go-round! It has been such a relief to break that destructive cycle and open myself to love and to feel trust growing for one another again.”

As these couples shared their experience of the Retreat I found myself internally nodding my head and remembering anew what it had felt like as I truly learned and internalized these principles years ago. I am grateful for the regular opportunity I have to renew my commitment to the principles and skills that define all successful relationships.

When the time is right for you and your relationship, when you are ready, the right teachers and opportunities will appear. We at LIFE Marriage Retreats hope we can be part of that for you and your relationship.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy marriage (Needs & Service)

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#5- Needs and Service: Filling one-another’s buckets

My wife, Margo, taught me a great and simple lesson once. I was in charge of tending Dustin, our eighteen month old son,  one afternoon while Margo worked on a project in another part of the house. I was becoming frustrated as Dustin was fussy and crying and I couldn’t “make” him stop. All my empty platitudes of “It’s all right, don’t cry,” and demands that he stop fussing were leading to higher levels of frustration for both of us.

Margo heard my rising voice and came to investigate. It is often the wisest thing for me to shut up and observe an expert at work. Margo carefully evaluated Dustin from a standpoint of needs. Was his diaper wet? Was he hungry or thirsty? Was something hurting him? With that information she quickly helped him fulfill his needs and left him happy and playing and returned to her project as I scratched my head and wondered at the miracle of mothers.

It has been said that all behavior that we might perceive as negative flows from deep and unmet needs. Don’t skip over this truth too quickly. Roll it around in your mouth a little and see if it “tastes right,” as truth usually does. Dustin crying because his diaper was wet had nothing to do with being bad and everything to do with asking for some help in meeting his needs.

We grownups will also sometimes irritate one another as we clumsily try to get our needs met, whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. We usually don’t even recognize our unmet needs, but feel the emptiness that it represents. Rather than patiently trying to discover our partner’s needs we instead often label them as bad, selfish, thoughtless, mean, and a hundred other negative labels.

We certainly need not condone or excuse negative behavior from our loved ones, but if we use that behavior as a signal of opportunity to lovingly explore and serve, we will turn what could be just another family fight or frustration into a growing and bonding experience.

You see, if the behavior that leads me to feel irritated or hurt is a manifestation of legitimate needs that are not being met, then just maybe I can help that person to behave in a more healthy way if I assist them to meet their needs,  and we will both be happier.

Families have the wonderful responsibility and opportunity to be like a bunch of clay pots, filling one another with the life-giving waters of service and care as we assist our loved ones to fulfill their legitimate needs in honorable ways. Too often we humans can be blind and instead of filling, we carelessly suck the water out of our “fellow pots” through judging, belittling, and simply not caring enough to give of our time and selves.

The miracle is that as we seek to fill another through our service and sacrifice, we find ourselves being filled, not only by others, but by a loving Universe that tends to reward those who discover this great truth of service.