Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Acknowledgment)

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#4- Tears of Acknowledgment

At our LIFE Couples Retreats we have lots of fun, plenty of excitement, and just the right dose of healthy relaxation.

We also experience a few tears. As a couple strives to break loose from the self-imposed prisons that have walled them off from one another, visiting honesty and feelings again can bring a tear of regret and remembered pain even as hope begins to swell in their hearts.

Such tears have their place in the healing process. Tears of Joy

There are other tears we often see from couples who have committed themselves to a new way of being in their relationship–I refer to them as “Tears of Acknowledgment.” They represent, for me, the best moments of a Retreat.

We all share a deep and human need to be Understood; to be Valued; to be Validated; to be Acknowledged.

Have you ever had a disagreement with a loved one and heard, “What is it you can’t understand? It’s so simple! Why can’t you see that?” Frequently we might be thinking the same thing about them, “How dense can you be that you can’t see what I see?”

Our perception is our reality and as open to other views and possibilities as we might believe ourselves to be, for most of us it is hard to really see (or want to see) very far beyond our own beliefs, experiences, and perceptions.

Do you see a duck in the picture? Or a rabbit? Feathers or Fur, should we belittle or mistrust someone whose perception differs from ours?

When two people with different perceptions are brought together, the potential for frustrations, irritations, and misunderstandings is overwhelming. Welcome to marriage.

In our experience even as a couple is learning new communication skills and techniques they are easily pulled back into former habits of defensiveness and the almost overwhelming need to be right. They are lost in their own vantage point and cannot imagine another.

Thus while some would focus on teaching a couple how to better state their view or belief (which is, indeed, important), it is even more crucial that each partner become adept at empathy, at “seeing through their partner’s eyes” to better understand their beliefs and behaviors. This takes a humility that is wonderful in its power and effectiveness to heal and reopen a relationship and hearts.

Do you have what it takes to acknowledge your partner and their point of view, even when you do not agree with it? Can you honestly say to another person, “I am anxious to understand your point of view, and for you to understand mine. Can you help me to see what you see?”

Can you acknowledge and validate your loved ones? If you can, you too will see relief come into their eyes and feel their tears of gratitude and loving connection. And you will also get a big bonus: As you open yourself to other points of view, you will find better solutions to problems and challenges.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Accountability)

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3. Accountability is Liberating

During a break on the first day of one of our Marriage Trainings I heard the following exchange between a couple (I have edited out the details):

Her: “I don’t know why you always do that, you know it makes me angry!”

Him: “Well, it’s not like you give me any choice! What else am I supposed to do?”

Her: “When are you ever going to change? Why do we have to go through this time after time?!”

I remember thinking, “Hey, these guys are speaking a language I used to know!”

Indeed, I did know the language of Co-Dependence and blame. Many years ago through a painful personal evaluation of my life I was brought to the  realization that many of my most important relationships had become entangled in co-dependence. Loved ones were demanding that I change even as I tried to control the relationship. We were tied to one another’s emotions and feelings in unhealthy ways, basing our day on how others felt or how we were treated.

My first baby step out of co-dependence involved embracing the principle of Accountability which, at first, seemed like a very hard doctrine indeed. Broken Chain

Many can empathize with the self-imposed chains I had to break:

For someone who felt that life was a series of circumstances to which I could only react, it was a big step to declare that I am accountable for what I attract into my life and how I deal with it. Whoops! There goes a favorite pastime, blame. Now I am squarely in charge of my own direction and progress.

As someone who had spent so long wearing masks and striving to hide from my relationship failures, it was not easy to embrace that I am accountable for what I bring into my relationships, negative or positive. Whoops! No more co-dependence in trying to get people to change to accommodate me; now my focus is on changing myself.

 For someone who had become comfortable in his role of victim it was a stretch to realize that, in one sense, there are no victims, only students and lessons to learn, and that nobody can “make me” feel anything, or force me from  my chosen path. I had to learn how to reject being the victim of of someone else’s bad day or poor manners.

Hard doctrine? No. Accountability is the most LIBERATING choice you will ever make. Disentangle yourself from the toxic controlling and co-dependent parts of your relationships and feel instead the fresh air of acceptance of others and accountability for yourself.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Humility)

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2. Humility makes all things possible

You might be wondering, “What the heck is Neil Diamond doing on a LIFE Marriage Retreat blog?? The guy has two failed marriages to his credit!”

Maybe it was his painful failures in marriage that inspired him to pen some of the truest words ever sung for his song, “Husbands and Wives.” Listen Here

Neil Diamond

Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives

Angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
Its my belief
Pride is the chief cause in the decline
In the number of husbands and wives

Pride is one of the absolute indispensable elements in any unhappy relationship. Certainly there can be many circumstances surrounding the erosion of a marriage, but we have yet to work with a couple in distress where pride was not a component in their unhappiness.

Think of the many places that pride can raise its ugly head in a relationship. To name just a few:

  • The need to be right. We humans seem to come equipped with this need already installed and just as powerful as our need to eat and sleep. (I can hear a lot of you saying right now, “But I AM right!” My point exactly.)
  • The inability to forgive. Somebody once said that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  • Narrow perspective. Our perspective is our reality. When we forget that there are other perspectives we try to force our reality on everyone else.
  • Not admitting our own legitimate needs; or not recognizing the needs of others. (or selfishly focusing only on our own needs)

The opposite of pride is Humility. Please don’t mistake humility for ‘humiliation’ or groveling. Humility is possessed only by those who are secure enough in themselves to be open to possibilities; open to other points of views, open to the reality that none of us have all the answers.

People who are appropriately humble in their relationships validate their partner and acknowledge them and their point of view, even when they don’t necessarily agree with them. They do their best to forgive when they have been offended, certainly not inviting abuse, but recognizing that we are all human and we all appreciate it when others cut us some slack.

Allow me to give you a very valuable tool. But first I must define a very broad word: Enmity. Enmity is described by many feelings and emotions such as hate, irritation, anger, feelings of superiority, bitterness, frustration, etc. The tool is this: Whenever you feel enmity toward another person you have stepped outside of humility and into pride.

This is crucial because all problems can be solved from a position of humility–and no problem can be well-solved from a space of pride.

Truly, Humility is real Power in a relationship.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Authenticity)

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Rule #1- Be Authentic Remember the story of “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” in which a vain and gullible King is tricked into parading in front of his loyal subjects in his birthday suit, believing he isEmperors New really wearing the latest in high fashion that only the most refined eyes will be able to see? As everyone does their best to pretend that they see him dressed in a gorgeous royal costume (because how traumatic would it be to admit they are less perceptive than their neighbors and see only a naked fat man?) it is left to a young boy to finally shout out incredulously, “Hey, that guy doesn’t have any clothes on!” and bring the facade to an embarrassing end.

Marriage and other close relationships can feel like that. Sometimes I’ve done my best to wear just the right mask or project a particular image that I hope will fool the important people in my life. This has been about as successful as if I had poked a geranium into my hatband and tried to pass as a potted plant. My attempts to “control my own spin” are even less successful than that of the latest Hollywood hottie who pays thousands of dollars for the right press and photo ops, and wonders why they keep getting lampooned in comedic Top 10 lists.

At our Marriage Retreats we often see people who have exhausted themselves and those they love by attempting to hide and keep others at arms length. The truth is that any attempts to fake out those who love and care about us are, thankfully, doomed to failure. They might play along with us for a while, but they know us too well and our costumes never fit quite as well as we might want to believe. Plus, since it is impossible to truly love an illusion, they will sooner or later tire of being in relationship with a wisp of smoke or a desert mirage and will demand something more substantial to hold on to, even if that substance includes some warts and weaknesses.

In my moments of foolish belief that I have my loved ones fooled, the inevitable collapse of my stage set has been perhaps momentarily painful, but also enormously liberating. I call these times my “Lucy Moments.” Remember the great “I Love Lucy” episodes where Lucy tried desperately to be something she wasn’t whether cabaret singer, chocolate maker, or pitch-woman for Vitameatavegamin  She never could quite pull off the deception, and after embarrassing herself was soon back to being the authentic Lucy that Ricky and her friends could truly love.

In my attempts to pretend and hide behind my perfect and self-sufficient John Wayne facade I too hit bad notes, make a mess of the bon-bons and call the health drink migaveetametaman, and soon discover that the walls I have built and the masks I have worn have effectively only kept me from experiencing the exquisitely nuanced feelings and emotions of a healthy relationship.

The good news is that being “found out” isn’t nearly as bad or painful as an emperor suddenly feeling the chill in his nether regions and hearing his kingdom laughing at him. Instead, it is  liberation from self-imposed chains and a new opportunity to connect with what really matters. In my experience, those who care about me only love me more when they know the real and vulnerable me. From that safe and firm foundation I can then move on to building a better me and a better relationship.

It is easiest to be our authentic selves when we feel safe in our relationships, knowing that we are not being judged or being offered only conditional love. We will talk about creating that safety in later postings.

Lessons Learned: The Secrets of a Happy Marriage

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You might think that the owners of a business running highly effective Marriage Retreats would be immune from marital challenges and have learned all the lessons there are to be learned. Not so. Our marriage relationship has been and always will be a work in progress. We continue to stumble; we continue to learn.

The learning is not always as elegant as we might wish for. Our climb to higher ground sometimes has resembled the stumbling and bumbling of the Three Stooges, but climb Mountain Peakwe have and how very fine are the vistas and pure air of those peaks we have attained.

During the recent busyness of the Holidays Margo and I found ourselves knocked a bit off track in our relationship, sometimes  feeling like ships passing in the night, somewhat disconnected. Fortunately we know what it feels like to have our “hearts knitted together as one” and so we recognized the drift and the discomfort of emotional distance in the relationship. Old lessons that we sometimes forget and have to relearn surfaced again. But what a relief to be able to identify what was wrong and to trust one another to do and be what was required to come fully back together.

The difference between you and us might only be that we manage to enjoy the journey, even the inevitable trying times, of our most important relationship. With time and effort our commitment has become strong, our hearts secure, and our tool kit effective, so that no problem seems insurmountable, no obstacle unclimbable. Since divorce was long ago removed as an option we smile at our humanness and our weakness and move forward, secure in the knowledge that we will always be there for one another, that weaknesses can be turned into strengths, and that tomorrow is another day with new opportunities.

As part of the New Year we will share here in the coming weeks some of the rules and lessons we have learned, hopefully with a sense of optimism and a twinkle in our eyes. Your relationship, no matter where it currently is, in the perfect spot to begin a new and joyful journey. We hope that what we offer here will be of help to you on that journey.