Mature Relationships Vs. Mexican Crabs

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At a recent Marriage Retreat in San Diego we worked with a couple which had allowed competition in the relationship to tear at the foundation of the peace and well-being of the marriage. This was not simply a case of getting mad at one another over a game of Scrabble, but something that had infected all areas of their relationship as they compared who was contributing the most money to the marriage, who did the most around the house, who got the most laughs at the dinner party, or which one of them their kids liked the most. There is nothing healthy about this sort of competition in a marriage because it rarely leads to better performance in the relationship, instead driving wedges between the most important members of the family team.Once on a dock in Mexico we watched the crab fisherman unload their morning catch. Soon the dock was covered with large wooden crates, each filled with dozens of live crabs. I noticed that the crates had no lids and the fishermen were not paying much attention to the crabs, instead busying themselves with cleaning and securing their boats. As I watched some crabs climbing over their brother crabs towards the top of the crate I expected to soon see escaped crabs all over the dock.  But the fishermen knew they had little to worry about. Each time a crab made it nearly to the top of the prison, another crab would reach out a claw, grab the escapee and pull it back into the writhing mass of creatures. It was as if the crabs stuck in the crate were saying to those making a bid for freedom, “No way, Buster! If I’m stuck in here, you’re staying in here with me!” I felt like saying to them, “Silly animals, why don’t you help one another? If you would only work together you could all make it back into the sea.”But instead they continued to climb over one another, knocking each other from their lofty perches back into the morass.Such is the case with many relationships as partners jockey for position, competing with one another, often taking some perverse pleasure in seeing the other stumble, because it somehow puts them “ahead in the game.” Sometimes the spouses will chip away at one another with comparisons, pointing out how far short the other falls when compared to some other person. And so they remain, trapped in their cage, unaware that a short climb above them lies beautiful sunlight and freedom if they would only give one another a loving boost and encouragement.In our next posting we will look at the opposite of this unhealthy competition and comparing and see how a marriage evolving into a mature and sharing relationship grows in peace and a sense of mutual well-being. To see this shift in couples is one of our greatest rewards as we work with them at our Marriage Retreats and Trainings.

Do All Dogs Bite?

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At one of our recent LIFE Marriage Retreats we had the privilege of working with a great couple from a southern state. She is a beautiful woman, poised and charismatic, and owns a successful business. She and her husband had returned to the house from a walk on the beach and in sharing some of their experiences from the walk she mentioned that they had passed a man walking a gentle looking dog. It turned out she had switched to walking on the other side of her husband, well away from the dog because, she said, “All dogs bite.”That really caught my attention and we had fun the remainder of the Retreat applying the belief that ‘all dogs bite’ to various matters of trust in relationships. Her premise was that under the right (or wrong) conditions any dog, no matter the size or breed, can “snap” and bite even a friendly hand, so one must always be careful around them. She admitted that this type of fear and mistrust sometimes spilled over into her human relationships.So do all dogs bite? And are we doomed to be disappointed, at one time or another, by all of our relationships? Well, yes, probably so. After all, we are human and all of us make mistakes. We do or say things that we later regret. Most of us have moments of thoughtlessness or selfishness.But if this potentially painful reality keeps us tied to the trunk of our relationship tree, afraid to risk and climb out, we will never know just how sweet the fruit is that grows at the end of the branch. While trust must, indeed, be earned, never let the fear that “all dogs bite” close us off from the warmth and fulfillment that we deserve in our relationships.If we are occasionally bitten, if our limb is shaken by our partner, remember that we are all human and have probably been the biter and shaker sometimes as well. Some people simply aren’t ready to be trustworthy, but in almost all of our relationships we will, with some patience, kindness, and forgiveness, be able to help one another inch out on that branch a bit at a time where the fruit is sweet and the air is pure. And where not all dogs bite!I am pleased to say that by the end of the Marriage Retreat this woman was well on her way to petting dogs and tasting the goodness of her relationship with her husband.

The Marriage Retreat Difference

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In a previous posting we discussed how many couples seem unable to make the necessary breakthroughs in their marriage through traditional marriage counseling. We also mentioned that for many of those couples a well managed marriage retreat, particularly a LIFE Marriage Retreat and Training, leads to the renewal of the relationship. So what is the difference?There are many facets to this particular diamond, but we will focus briefly on just a few of the differences offered in a retreat format (please note that every marriage retreat program is different and I am speaking here from my own experience):1. Time, Location and Focus- There is something extraordinary about being in a place of peace and beauty, focusing on one another and your relationship for an extended period of time, especially when that time is backed up by the couple’s commitment to move to higher ground.2. Rebuilding Trust- Perhaps the greatest gift of this time and focus is the Retreat’s ability to help the couple to rebuild the trust that in virtually every case has been eroded in their relationship. The couple not only learns about trust on an intellectual level but does the things that help to reestablish it in the relationship.3. Training and Coaching- Departing from the general Retreat format to get more specific for a moment, there is great power and effectiveness in the curriculum and processes of a LIFE Training Retreat. A variety of teaching and training methods are used, including innovative experiential training, and great activities that map back to the principles and skills being taught. Combined with the one-on-one coaching each couple receives, the relationship objectives of the couple can consistently be met.One thing to remember is that in many cases a couple can achieve brief moments of peace and euphoria by just spending a get-away weekend together. The key to the effectiveness of the best marriage retreats is their ability to not only provide the atmosphere, but to then deliver the training and coaching that leads to long-term results rather than simply short-term euphoria.

Marriage Training Retreat vs Traditional Counseling

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I have friends and colleagues whom I admire that are engaged in the field of traditional marriage counseling. I respect their work and recognize that they experience many successes in working with troubled relationships.But as we work with couples in our Marriage Retreat program we note a great many that have worked with a marriage counselor for months or even years, but have never been able to rebuild the trust that leads to healing the relationship, or establish meaningful communication that leads to effective conflict resolution. One of their common complaints is that they spend 45 minutes in a counseling session that is often acrimonious, then leave with a few things to work on; but the moment they step back into their life environment and stresses they quickly revert to old patterns of behavior and thought. When they go to their counseling session the next week they report that it feels like they are simply starting over again.This is not meant as an indictment of traditional marriage counseling. Not all counselors are created equal (just as all marriage retreats are not created equal). And some couples expect big results from counseling even though the couples themselves are not committed to doing the work that would lead to lasting change.But as we assist couples coming out of a disappointing counseling experience we virtually always see them successfully reestablish trust and heal their relationship through the Training Retreat and post-training coaching experience. While it is possible that their counseling experience has contributed to their ultimate success, the Training Retreat format and objectives simply offer some opportunities and potential benefits not provided by most traditional counseling. We will look at some of those in the next posting.